Thursday, October 1, 2015

Scream Free Parenting

 There are few books that I really read cover to cover.  As much as Id like to be an avid reader, I just cant find the time.  However I do come across books now and then that are worth the time, and this was one of them.

This was the type of book that I believe has changed my way of thinking and improved my interactions.  Yes, I still 'scream' but I find myself much calmer, cooler and in check with my own emotions and reactions which in turn has had a positive effect on my kids.

The author defines scream free as;
learning to relate with others in a calm, cool, and connected way, taking hold of your own emotional responses no matter how anyone else chooses to behave; learning to focus on yourself and take care of yourself for the world's benefit.
Sounds simple right?  It's pretty much common knowledge but mashallah the author really has a way of walking you through practical steps and stories to relate to.

The table of contents include...
Becoming the "cool" parents your kids really need
   Parenting is not about kids, its about parents
   If you're not under control, then you cannot be in charge
   Growing up is hard to do, especially for grown ups

Keeping your cool means creating space
   Begin with the end in mind, but let go of the final results
   Kids need their room
   Resistance is futile, practice judo parenting
   You are not a prophet (and neither is gramma)

Keeping your cool means creating a place
   Parents set the table by setting the tone (and vice versa)
   Let the consequences do the screaming
   Empty threats are really broken promises

Putting yourself into practice
   Put on your own oxygen mask first
   Revolutionary relationships

Each chapter ends with a story, and reflection questions.

This is one of my favourite excerpts from the book:

..."If you dont get anything else from this book, get this:  Our biggest struggle as parents is not twith the television; its not with bad influences; its not even with drugs or alcohol.  Our biggest strruggle as a parent is with out own emotional reactivity.  Thats why the greatest thing we can do for our kids is learn to focus on us, not them.  Instead of anxiously trying to control our kids, lets concentrate on what we can control - calming our own emotional, knee jerk reactions."... (page 14)

Some other points I noted down:

* "In raising my children, I have lost my mind but found my soul."  - Lisa Shepherd
*  The only way to retain a position of influence with our children is to regain a position of control over ourselves. " I am responsible to my child for how I behave, regardless of how s/he behaves."
*  We continually surrender control over our emotional responses to those around us. Your emotional responses are up to you.  You always have a choice.
*  To be 'in charge' as a parent means inspiring your children to motivate themselves.
*  Part of being a grown up is enduring discomfort now for the sake of payoff later.
*  Whenever we give in to our anxiety, we create the very outcome we're hoping to avoid.
*  If you want your children to become self-directed adults, you have to face the truth that you cannot do it for them.
*  Without space to make their own mistakes, our kids live only borrowed lives.
*  Your child is testing you to see that you are stable and consistent.  And wants you to pass. 
*  You cannot orbit around your child without giving her the impression that the world revolves around her.
*  Your goal is not to stifle their emotions, but rather, to steer them toward productive expression. 
*  "Theres something wrong if you're always right."  - Arnold Glasgow
*  Whenever we label our children, we limit their space.
*  Stability and structure are necessary components in a healthy home.
*  All our choices have consequences.  This is a bedrock truth in life.
*  The more our children are exposed to the small consequences of their small infractions, the less they will have to commit large infractions and experience large consequences.  
*  It comes down to integrity - meaning what you say, saying what you mean, and following through with what you promise.  
* "Our children are watching us live, and what we are shouts louder than anything we can say" - Wilfred Peteron
*  "I define comfort as self-acceptance.  When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others."  - Jennifer Louden
*  What would it really look like to love your kids as little as you love yourself?

Honestly I really benefited from this book and hope and pray you do too.
No, Im not getting any benefit for sharing this information :)

May Allah SWT guide us all to be better people an earn His Pleasure, Ameen.

Happy Parenting <3

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